I begin with a quick update and summary of the past 2 days..
After my terrible limptastic day, I really did not believe that I would be able to do my last planned walk. I threaded all of my blisters that night believing that walking the next day was not going to be realistic. When I got up, both feet hurt, but it was manageable, so I decided to give it a go. My last morning text to my husband said, “Well I can walk..So I’m heading out”.
And, somehow, the day went well. Yes, both feet hurt most of the time, but my mind was ok. Maybe the meltdown I had the day before was partly pain, and mostly lack of sleep draining my resilience? I had 2 relatively sleepless nights preceeding my meltdown day. But, that night I slept soundly and the next day was so much better. I managed the pain better, kept my spirits up, enjoyed the beauty of the coast and, despite moments of fatigue, I really enjoyed the walk. I’m glad I did it and didn’t just take a bus. Otherwise my “last day” would have been the worst one I had.
Today was super! I stayed in a nice beach town (the one I hiked to yesterday), and the place I stayed in had a nice little backyard. I woke up this morning and laid in bed a bit, then made and enjoyed coffee sitting in the morning sun in the backyard. I wrote myself a postcard and texted with friends. I slowly got my stuff together, bought my bus ticket to Lisbon online…And headed out. With a couple hours to kill before it was time to catch the bus, I wandered down to the beach area and enjoyed the old town atmosphere. I found a buffet place overlooking the beach and enjoyed a big lunch before my bus ride. So, an easy relaxing day for once 😁.
Now, some reflection. I think I put myself through tough things because I’m either afraid that I am weak, or that, without challenges, I will become weak. I think resilience comes through hardship and coping skills rise from the challenges which require them. I think an easy life is what creates weak people. So, by that definition, I should be pretty strong. I just don’t feel strong.
For example, I don’t really feel strong for making it through the Camino and the past few days. I mean, I do a little bit, but I mostly feel like a giant cry baby. It seems like all I did was cry about how hard it was. I see other people doing the same thing, and it seems so easy for them. So, what’s with me struggling so much? Does sticking with it make me strong, or does whining so much about it make me weak? Or, is it a bit of both?
And, for Christ’s sake…Why am I so hard on myself?
