“You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.”
-James Allen
It is early morning still, the day has only just begun. Yet, a monumental shift is taking place. Maybe I needed rest, maybe I needed a break in the “get up early and get walking” routine, maybe the other blogs I read today helped me get my head on straight. It is probably a blend of all of these things. Whatever it is, I feel myself coming back from wherever I was yesterday.
I feel my Camino has been like swimming in the ocean. At first, I was bobbing along in the waves, rising up, falling down, rising up…but because I had the energy to navigate them well, I never found myself caught up in one. I could ride the highs and lows with ease and accept them as they came.
But, after awhile, it became more difficult. The physical and mental work of staying in sync with the waves got harder. I got slowly more and more out of rhythm and the waves became harder to navigate. The waves themselves were the same, but my strength waned and my ability to be okay declined.
I began deeply wishing for a break, just a moment of calm waters to let me me catch my breath. As each new wave came, I became more discouraged. I began to plead inside for smaller waves, something easier, a break in the action.
Then, yesterday, it was like I reached that moment of exhaustion where the wave came and I got pulled under it. No longer bobbing on the surface and navigating, I got tossed in and rolled. Once caught up in the waves, each new wave rolled me over again, and misery set in.
Today, I have washed upon the shore feeling a little beat up and bruised. At first just lying here stunned and exhausted, I am now beginning to get up and breathe. The trick now, is to rest well and then get back in as soon as it is reasonable. As we have all experienced, having a rough moment makes us a little hesitant to try again. I imagine a child who, once rolled around in the waves, never goes near the water again.
But try again I must, because the best way to avoid a permanent fear of the water is to dive back in as soon as you are recovered well enough to again successfully navigate the waves. Otherwise, you might spend your life standing on the shore, watching others enjoy the sea of life and wishing you had the courage to get in.
So, today I will rest. I will get out and explore Santander, I might go see the art museum, I will go get my pilgrim passport stamped in the cathedral, I will walk along the sea promenade, and I will see where else the day takes me.
Tomorrow, I will dive back into the sea and remember how to navigate the waves. The Camino awaits.
Note: and today I will work on the “comparing and finding myself deficient” problem. What I mean is, there’s an unhealthy thought in the back of my head even today saying: I walk less miles than others, it shouldn’t be this hard; I must somehow be weaker because I need a break so soon and after walking so few miles compared to other people; if I walk less miles and take more breaks it means I am not so strong and maybe even unworthy of calling myself a true pilgrim.
I must remember that we all walk our own paths, each person on the Camino walks their own road. One is not better or worse than another. We should not look down at our own path and ask if it is as good as someone else’s, we should simply walk it and see where it leads.
Great post 🙂