So…you think you want to climb Kili, eh?

At this point I’m not even sure I do. Wracked with self doubt, I don’t know if I can. But I intend to try.

I spent two weeks back in January trying to muster up the courage to register for this trip. I’ve been dreaming about climbing Kilimanjaro “someday” and that someday became NOW. Once I signed up and paid my deposit, I danced around excited and told everyone I could find about this next adventure.

I planned to train hard. I got advice. I planned on losing weight. I planned on a lot of things.

It went well at first, the trip gave me that extra layer of motivation I needed. My runs got longer, I hit the stair-climbers, I did weight training and I got my eating plan on board. I even managed to lose 15 pounds.

But, things shifted as life got in the way. My husband had a motorcycle accident that upended both of our lives for a solid month. Family drama happened, hormone drama happened, stress happened, injuries happened…

And now, here I sit after my last day at work, feeling unsure, unprepared, unfit, and fat. I worry that everyone in my group will see me walk up and think, “Whaaat? This fat girl thinks she’s gonna climb Kili? Really?”

And what if I can’t do it? What if my craptastic, hormone-palooza of a peri-menopausal body just decides it ain’t happening? What if their assumptions (the ones I imagine) about what my overweight body can and can’t do, end up being true?

I bought all the gear and, over $1000 later, I am still vibrating with anxiety and doubt. I really don’t know if I can do this and I’m not even sure if I want to anymore. But I fly to Albuquerque tomorrow to pick up Rosie (my custom camper van). After 2-3 days of hiking around the Sandia Peak area, I plan to drive up near Breckenridge, Colorado to begin acclimating to altitude before I fly to Tanzania on the 22nd.

Crap- that reminds me, I need to pick up my prescriptions today! Malarone (to combat malaria), something to prevent altitude sickness, and some emergency antibiotics for the likely inevitable travelers diarrhea.

The only other question now is, what am I going to forget to pack???